We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize