I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
