So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize