My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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