My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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