I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
FUCK WHALES
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