I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
