I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
