you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
