I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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