Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
