There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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