I wish I could teleport
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
