Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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