Where did you get a picture of my penis
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
