if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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