Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
