you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
