She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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