she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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