Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
