Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
