did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
