I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
