its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
