4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
