Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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