I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
