The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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