My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
