He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
