She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I will pee on everything he values.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
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