I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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