How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Randomize
