My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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