is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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