Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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