oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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