I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
