he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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