PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
