Only a mothe r could love this liver
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
