did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm eating all of the evidence.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
