I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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