thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize