You smell like stripper and shame
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
