If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
