i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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