dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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