we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
