We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
