just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
