U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
