Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
