Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
