I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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