I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
