Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
