guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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