Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
