I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize