something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
