Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
