woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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