Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
