Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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