I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
