LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
