what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
