his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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