Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
