Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
