we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
